He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
