You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
