I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize