He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
