he wants to bone in the snuggie
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
