I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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