Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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