just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
