it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
