Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
