YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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