I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
