btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
