just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
