god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
