well most of my day revolves around power hour
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
