So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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