i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
