you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize