you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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