You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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