Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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