even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize