i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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