I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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