Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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