its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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