im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
