we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
