thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
