so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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