the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
