I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
