the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
