Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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