Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
