I got chris browned last night
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
