My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
