I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just want to make out with him forever
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
