I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
