Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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