shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize