i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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