just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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