fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
