Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My brain says no but my pants say off.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize