The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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