let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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