I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
