His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
