Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
