Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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