I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
