dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
