i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
