i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
