Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
