I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
